As I sit here and write this, with my “reading glasses” perched on the end of my nose, I am contemplating my legacy. Over the last several months I’ve mourned the passing of several people that have impacted my life….with their legacy. I have had the privilege to attend funerals that were celebrations of lives well lived. Those moments were comforting to me. It gives me hope for relationships and a belief that people can extend grace and kindness to one another. I find myself thinking a lot these days about my legacy to my family and to those I come in contact with every day.

I didn’t realize that thoughts of my own life and legacy would come into sharper focus than I had ever experienced. I don’t think anything can make you more aware of your absolute mortality than when some type of health issue comes up. I have truly been blessed when it comes to my physical health. I remember when I had surgery 3 years ago the anesthesiologist commented on how unusual it was that I’d made it this far in life and had never had any type of anesthesia. Unfortunately, over the last several months I’ve found myself dealing with numerous health issues. I joke with my husband that I’ve turned 40 and I am falling apart!!! Most recently I found myself waiting on test results that could come back with serious consequences. It not only made me look back over my life and take stock of what I’ve done and where I’ve been but it forced me to look at the present I am living in. I needed to look at today. We often get so tied up in the mistakes of the past or contemplating the direction of our future that we forget to live in the moment. That is where I found myself, caught in the middle of my past and my future, but definitely not always taking the time to enjoy the “now”.

Every life experience I’ve had shaped me into the person I am today. The past holds many things – good and bad. What I continued to think about as I went through these medical tests and waited on results (these things always seem to drag on forever!!) was the impact my life was having on those closest to me. I spent a lot of time thinking about some of the people who have impacted me. Why did certain people really connect with my life? What was different about them?

Most things in life don’t work out the way we expect them to, such is the nature of this life! I have come to the realization that I am absolutely human and I will always have struggles. I know I will never be perfect BUT I’ve learned I don’t have to be perfect to receive love. Thankfully – I’m free and God’s grace flows freely and the legacy Jesus left me will always have the ultimate impact on my life.

Right now I’m not really worrying about tomorrow. In December I’ll go back and have some follow-up tests and hopefully that will be the end of all this. If something different should happen…it’ll happen….I plan on trusting that to God. I’m learning to live in the moment and I’m going to tell people that are important to me that they are….important to me! I don’t want to miss that moment with anyone, I’ve learned you may not get a second chance.

Who’s life has impacted you? Are you thinking about your legacy?

The thing I’m sure of this evening is that my life is still a story in progress….I don’t know when my story may end but…. I do know I have a lot of story left to write and I need to be living in the “now” moments!

It’s funny how often I’ve said…I absolutely believe that God still speaks to us in the 21st century.

I didn’t believe it was just a “bible” thing. I felt that anything that happened in the bible could still happen…including hearing God’s voice. So I believed that, yes, here on this earth God still speaks to us – sometimes in quiet whispers & sometimes in a loud, booming voice.

I would say that to people and truly believe it, in fact at life group one night that very question was asked and I answered quickly, without reservation – YES. I just couldn’t figure out how I could experience it and why I never had. Please know that I’m not talking about those moments when we feel very compelled or “convicted” to do something. I certainly believe those are moments when the Holy Spirit is giving me the nudge to do something in particular. Nope, right now I’m talking about voices. Do you believe that God speaks to us in an audible voice? I know you may be feeling a little uncomfortable at this moment but maybe after I share my voices story it will make more sense!

If you read my blog post on the 15th you’ll see I was debating worry and some of my “fix it” mentality. What you didn’t know from that post is I was really struggling with some thoughts that I absolutely did not want back in my head. Reading the post again, myself, it seems pretty calm and benign…but I was in some serious turmoil that night. Couldn’t sleep, trying to talk myself out of going “there” again, & trying to use the motivation of positive thoughts to overcome darkness. I often wonder if I’m just a slow learner or very forgetful. Trying to do things under my own power again!! At one point while praying I got angry….I cried out and pretty much said….God – this situation is in your hands… I’m absolutely done with sleepless nights filled with darkness and you are going to do something and you are going to make sure I know YOU heard me. Didn’t share my feelings very well & please know I’m not really proud of that moment. Really debated on glossing that over so I didn’t look like such a spoiled brat. I’m not sure…could that be considered a tantrum? Grateful for not receiving any “lightning bolt” discipline.

What I didn’t realize that early morning was a lesson would be coming and it would be coming very soon and it would start off a week full of lesson after lesson.

What happened next? It’s too long for one post so you’ll have to check back soon for the rest of this crazy, little experience! You can be assured that I’m still living, no lightning….but definite lessons learned and still learning. I don’t think you can challenge God without Him answering…while He offers a little discipline for bad behavior…a little teaching…and a whole lot of His love unleashed….. so you will NEVER, EVER doubt again that in those dark moments He is always with you. What I also realized was my heart was open to whatever happened and I think to hear what He’s going to say there has to be a willingness to accept it….no matter that you might have to come face to face with some hard truths about yourself.

So, before we move on….what is God asking you to lay down that you aren’t? Are you willing to really listen….. And maybe a better question, what will it take to make you let it go?

I figured I’m up, might as well update the blog!! (I should not have taken that nap after work this afternoon.) Certainly over the last several months I have had more sleepless nights than I can count. I think that’s reasonable. When your life becomes a little unsettled, or a lot!…there’s a lot of routines that get kind of turned upside down. For me, it’s been my sleep habits, they are a mess!

I will say I am not feeling any anxiety tonight, even though I have to get up at 5:30am for work!! Anxiety can be a big issue for me. I am a worrier by nature, I inherited it from my Grandmother. She worried about absolutely everything and although I am not that bad – I often find myself worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I wonder why I do that to myself….maybe my need to “fix” things? Things like – people’s attitudes, bad situations, the chaos of this life….you get the picture. Sometimes “this life” casts us into chaos and that feeling of being spun completely out of control, that often causes my restlessness.

Even though it is my intention to exhibit great faith in the midst of life’s struggles….I often times let doubt creep in. I was reading a book the other day that offered some pretty good advice: just refuse to go there, make the conscious choice to change directions. I am really good at giving my mind free reign to run off in all kinds of directions, but lately I’ve used that bit of advice. I very much have to get my thoughts under control and just refuse to “go there” and sometimes that means removing myself from situations that facilitate those feelings. What I realized is – I am the one that needs to make a choice….a choice to refuse those thoughts.

God has been very faithful to me as He continues to help me focus on the important and get rid of the garbage. At times that has meant getting rid of things that facilitate those destructive thoughts. I found myself in that situation recently and I had to make the decision to remove the catalyst, which was hard….the results were worth it. What I think I’m finally realizing is I don’t have to accept all the garbage and lies that lead to worry. I’ve said to all kinds of people…it’s really going to be okay because God – He’s big enough to handle anything and I always thought that applied to everybody else but that maybe it didn’t apply to me and my worries.

What God’s taught me and is still teaching me – He’s got it all covered and MY God is definitely big enough to handle anything!!

Sweet Dreams!!!

The last couple of weeks have flown by…summer is flying by! There is so much I’ve wanted to share and absolutely haven’t had two seconds to set down and write.

Last weekend was WOF in St. Louis! A very intense, fun-filled weekend. That crazy weekend started on Thursday when Kayla, Michael, and I had the opportunity to volunteer with WOF. It was amazing to have Michael there with Kayla and I this year. We had a blast! He’s a really good sport especially since he was only one of two guys there that morning. We were lucky to have them. Then on Friday, Kayla and I, attended the pre-conference and throughout the next couple of days we were joined by other friends. I can’t explain the impact of a Women of Faith conference, it’s really something you have to experience. I would challenge anyone who hasn’t been. What are you waiting for? You won’t be sorry!

I am always humbled by the amazing women (and some men) who brave that stage weekend after weekend. They share not just their story but their very hearts. God speaks through moments like these…He speaks refreshingly of love and community, of sisterhood and friendship. I won’t forget this weekend EVER as it had a profound impact on my story! I’ll never forget Lisa Welchel (yes, Blair from Facts of Life – and she was amazing!) talking about her life and sharing about hearing God say to her ….it’s okay, baby girl, I’m not mad at you…I know you needed that wall around your heart to make it through….but you don’t need it anymore! So, slowly, “piece by piece” her wall is coming down!! That was something I needed to hear from God as well.

It was good to realize that I didn’t have to have some big “moment” – it was important for me to know that God will work with me, that He’s not mad and it’s okay if it takes me a little longer to process things! With Him there’s no rush, He has no timetable, nothing more important to get to. I’ve had several people over the last year tell me to “just get over it”, that’s something we say, isn’t it? It makes us feel better but probably not the person hurting. We are impatient with hurting people…we want them fixed, it’s inconvenient, it’s uncomfortable. But, I think what we forget is healing doesn’t come with the snap of our fingers or with that phrase “just get over it”. Hurts sometimes require some venting (Sandi Patty mentioned this and I loved it!) so that our hearts will start to soften.

Some hurt is deep and not easily “patched up”, especially when that hurt is the one you fear the most. Trust is a huge deal with me, I don’t give it easily. There have been times in my life that I’ve trusted the wrong people and been hurt by that. I’ve learned that guarding my heart a little bit makes sense….because sometimes people don’t really care if they hurt you. You might just find yourself in the way of something they want, something they’ll do anything to get. Or, maybe they just really don’t find you valuable as a human being. That’s a hard one! But sometimes you let your guard down a little bit and somebody gets by and you experience pain. It doesn’t have to define us, but it does have to be addressed by us. It has to be wrestled with and vented about and you have to listen to the people in your life that will help you along. God sent some amazing people into my life over the last year, people that challenged me to go through this and to not avoid it. People that challenged me to – love like Jesus did and to forgive like He forgave me. I am hugely grateful to them for hanging in there with me.

The end of last summer started “a very dark night” for me as I got to experience one of life’s valleys….a person who didn’t value my husband or me or my children very much. We were easily dispensed of and easily forgotten. It was especially hard when that person was someone I had initially trusted, I had let my guard down with them. It was my most feared pain, broken trust. It has certainly been a struggle and a different path on this journey than I could ever have imagined.

Getting to today I’ve realized two things I had to face in my life: 1)Desiring to be close to God and actually committing to being close to God are two completely different things AND 2)This life is a lot more valleys than mountain tops. I learned through this experience some really good things…like to trust God with EVERYTHING and to believe in His love and His plan. I learned that I was just settling for “desiring” closeness (you may have to think about that one for a minute I know I did!) Through this “life experience” I find myself surrendering. It strengthens your faith, if you let it. I wasn’t very easy on God in the beginning, but He never gave up on me! I realized that I didn’t want to just “get by” that I wanted to believe and completely trust in His wisdom in every crazy experience that this life throws at me and to also not get “too busy” for Him when everything is going great. I don’t have any answers a year later, I don’t understand that hurtful event any better. I probably never will, but one thing I’m sure of…God will lead me to healing and someday even forgiveness. Not thoughts I would have even entertained a year ago!

So, as I celebrate the 4th with my family today and I look at the last year I know I would never be here in this moment feeling the way I do if it weren’t for that moment almost a year ago. All a part of the bigger picture that I will never fully understand! I think that’s going to be okay with me!

Yes, that’s me! Sophomore year, Eldon High School Marching Mustangs, Flag Corps member. I have the most fabulous memories of that time in my life!! I would have to say a lot of that was due to the man that brought us all together. John Howser has been dear to me since that time and has continued to be a mainstay in my life over the years.

This week one of my high school friends started a page on Facebook for all of Howser’s band kids to reconnect with Howser and with one another! It’s really been a lot of fun going through old pictures and swaping stories with other band members. Howser’s band career spanned 30 years and 3 different schools….. and his bands weren’t small bands…so you can imagine the number of people out there that were in one of Howser’s bands!!

In my title I used the term “Howser-isms”, John was great at using little tidbits of wisdom to motivate us and they were unique to him. My favorite, hands down….”success comes in cans”. I have carried that little piece of advice around my entire life. One of the reasons I think Howser was so successful in his career is that he treated us like family and that’s what we felt about one another….we were and are still family!

I have the unique perspective of being one of two people that crossed over both the Eldon High School Band and the Fredericktown High School Band. My husband being the other person with that same perspective. FHS band was like our younger brother band, I used to kid Howser when I first came to FHS that he let those kids get away with way too much!! All joking aside, one thing I remember from both experiences – Howser ran a tight ship and he didn’t put up with excuses! I had the distinct pleasure of being able to work with John as his Flag Sponsor when I first came to Fred-mo! It was a great ride and over way too soon as John retired in 2001 and went off to chase his love of traveling!!

I have absolutely no trouble understanding why John impacted so many young lives. He never judged us or treated us like kids. He helped us face big problems….I’ll never forget that he was there for me during one of the most stressful times in my life. He treated me with respect, he never judged me and he always offered a shoulder to cry on. He’s inspired a lot of people to carry on his legacy. There’s lots of band directors and teachers out there today that do what they do because of John’s influence in their lives. My husband being one of them. Michael will tell you that John is one of the most important people in his life.

The last time I was a member of John’s band was 1987, the last time I got to work with him was 2001, but I know I’ve made a friend for a lifetime! I also know I’m not alone there are a lot of us out there that love and respect this man for the legacy he’s left for us.

I probably don’t say this enough to the people that are important to me……

John Howser – you dedicated your entire career to all of us and for that I am truly grateful! You are a man of integrity, you say what you mean and you are one of the most authentic people I have ever met. Authenticity to me is the #1 trait a person must have to impact lives like you have! You taught us discipline and respect for authority. You helped us over the hurdles of our teen years and you always had time for any hurt we were feeling. No problem was ever too small for you to listen to….thank you for that. You taught us what “family” was all about, we were a community….because of you we built strong bonds. Over the years you became more than my band teacher, you became my friend and for that I am grateful. Thank you!! I realize now after being married to a “music guy” what a sacrifice your family made. You couldn’t have done what you did without their love and support. I remember how important Marsha and the kids were to you, that didn’t go unnoticed. Thanks for the life lessons and all the amazing memories. You had a great impact on me and I believe helped make me the person I am today.

I hope you think I turned out okay!!