……”In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” Isaiah 30:15

How many times do I find myself fighting and struggling, and sliding right back down that slippery slope? Which slope you might ask? The one where I am forever unsure and always doubting. I have found as I’ve journeyed through life that the farther away I am able to keep God the easier my life is. At least that has always been my perception, which has worked well for making me the kind of Christian that talks about God but never really lived life with Him. I was a great slippery slope kind of gal!! Several years ago I started down a path where I knew that I would never be content to live my life in this parallel way. Always keeping myself in proximity to God but not committing to the hard stuff. I wanted to know he was there but participation was on my terms not his. That makes for a dangerous Christian and not one I wanted to continue to be. If you pray dangerous prayers to God, like giving up everything to follow him..that’s when things really get crazy. Gone are all the comforts of belonging to the right “crowd”, gone is the ability to ignore his voice speaking into your life, and gone are all preconceived notions of people and situations and shiny, earthly things.

I liked being invisible. I liked being a friend to very few and an acquaintance of even fewer. I liked living my life without any emotional inconvenience. I really just liked things going in an even direction with very few bumps. The last few years, how can I even describe these moments? It’s like riding across an African Savannah at 150 miles an hour on the back of a mini-bike hoping you don’t get thrown off in the middle of lion territory. If that makes any sense!!.. and for those of you that have experienced it…it makes perfect sense. It’s a weird kind of transformation, but that’s what the experience has been a transformation.

I’ve always heard people say that God’s gonna love us wherever we are, but he’s not going to leave us there! I’m still not sure how I feel about that idea, I think sometimes he leaves us right in the middle of our wallow in the mud. At least that’s where I found myself for a time. Probably the best thing that could have happened. It teaches you a lot about yourself, about God, about his grace. Suddenly nothing seemed like such a chore anymore-being a friend, being joyful, being obedient, forgiving and letting go, learning to be humble, finding patience, walking in quietness. Learning to listen instead of just talking constantly to fill up the air!!

I don’t want to be the end of that verse in Isaiah. When God is speaking to me promising me amazing things and telling me how to get salvation and strength…I don’t want to be the one that doesn’t get it, that would have none of it. I’m still a work in progress, I’ve learned recently that I will always be that. I’ve learned through circumstances that life here will always be difficult and more than likely a lot of things will happen that I won’t ever understand on this side of heaven. But someday this life will fall away and I’m working on learning what I need to know along the way, to get ready for what comes next.

Here’s to continuing the journey!!