The last couple of weeks have flown by…summer is flying by! There is so much I’ve wanted to share and absolutely haven’t had two seconds to set down and write.

Last weekend was WOF in St. Louis! A very intense, fun-filled weekend. That crazy weekend started on Thursday when Kayla, Michael, and I had the opportunity to volunteer with WOF. It was amazing to have Michael there with Kayla and I this year. We had a blast! He’s a really good sport especially since he was only one of two guys there that morning. We were lucky to have them. Then on Friday, Kayla and I, attended the pre-conference and throughout the next couple of days we were joined by other friends. I can’t explain the impact of a Women of Faith conference, it’s really something you have to experience. I would challenge anyone who hasn’t been. What are you waiting for? You won’t be sorry!

I am always humbled by the amazing women (and some men) who brave that stage weekend after weekend. They share not just their story but their very hearts. God speaks through moments like these…He speaks refreshingly of love and community, of sisterhood and friendship. I won’t forget this weekend EVER as it had a profound impact on my story! I’ll never forget Lisa Welchel (yes, Blair from Facts of Life – and she was amazing!) talking about her life and sharing about hearing God say to her ….it’s okay, baby girl, I’m not mad at you…I know you needed that wall around your heart to make it through….but you don’t need it anymore! So, slowly, “piece by piece” her wall is coming down!! That was something I needed to hear from God as well.

It was good to realize that I didn’t have to have some big “moment” – it was important for me to know that God will work with me, that He’s not mad and it’s okay if it takes me a little longer to process things! With Him there’s no rush, He has no timetable, nothing more important to get to. I’ve had several people over the last year tell me to “just get over it”, that’s something we say, isn’t it? It makes us feel better but probably not the person hurting. We are impatient with hurting people…we want them fixed, it’s inconvenient, it’s uncomfortable. But, I think what we forget is healing doesn’t come with the snap of our fingers or with that phrase “just get over it”. Hurts sometimes require some venting (Sandi Patty mentioned this and I loved it!) so that our hearts will start to soften.

Some hurt is deep and not easily “patched up”, especially when that hurt is the one you fear the most. Trust is a huge deal with me, I don’t give it easily. There have been times in my life that I’ve trusted the wrong people and been hurt by that. I’ve learned that guarding my heart a little bit makes sense….because sometimes people don’t really care if they hurt you. You might just find yourself in the way of something they want, something they’ll do anything to get. Or, maybe they just really don’t find you valuable as a human being. That’s a hard one! But sometimes you let your guard down a little bit and somebody gets by and you experience pain. It doesn’t have to define us, but it does have to be addressed by us. It has to be wrestled with and vented about and you have to listen to the people in your life that will help you along. God sent some amazing people into my life over the last year, people that challenged me to go through this and to not avoid it. People that challenged me to – love like Jesus did and to forgive like He forgave me. I am hugely grateful to them for hanging in there with me.

The end of last summer started “a very dark night” for me as I got to experience one of life’s valleys….a person who didn’t value my husband or me or my children very much. We were easily dispensed of and easily forgotten. It was especially hard when that person was someone I had initially trusted, I had let my guard down with them. It was my most feared pain, broken trust. It has certainly been a struggle and a different path on this journey than I could ever have imagined.

Getting to today I’ve realized two things I had to face in my life: 1)Desiring to be close to God and actually committing to being close to God are two completely different things AND 2)This life is a lot more valleys than mountain tops. I learned through this experience some really good things…like to trust God with EVERYTHING and to believe in His love and His plan. I learned that I was just settling for “desiring” closeness (you may have to think about that one for a minute I know I did!) Through this “life experience” I find myself surrendering. It strengthens your faith, if you let it. I wasn’t very easy on God in the beginning, but He never gave up on me! I realized that I didn’t want to just “get by” that I wanted to believe and completely trust in His wisdom in every crazy experience that this life throws at me and to also not get “too busy” for Him when everything is going great. I don’t have any answers a year later, I don’t understand that hurtful event any better. I probably never will, but one thing I’m sure of…God will lead me to healing and someday even forgiveness. Not thoughts I would have even entertained a year ago!

So, as I celebrate the 4th with my family today and I look at the last year I know I would never be here in this moment feeling the way I do if it weren’t for that moment almost a year ago. All a part of the bigger picture that I will never fully understand! I think that’s going to be okay with me!