Michael and I have a unique relationship. We are married, but we’ve also been able to maintain the friendship that started our relationship. Michael was my run around buddy in high school…we used to “cruise” town while listening to Loverboy or Whitesnake and we loved hanging out at the Eldon Drive-In. I felt like I gave him some pretty good advice when it came to girls and how their minds work! We would talk on the phone for hours, I liked to hang out at his house and watch movies…the usual friend stuff. As our relationship evolved we always tried to hang on to that foundation of friendship…that has been important during some of the rough times we’ve experienced in almost 22 years of marriage. We still have bumpy spots….two things remain constant: we love one another and we have a very strong mutual respect based on that friendship.

The last 11 months Michael’s definitely had his hands full challenging my thinking. His most recent post poses the question “Are you a lover or a fighter?”. I didn’t need much time for contemplation. Hands down…I’m a fighter. This from the most shy kid my momma ever had! I can still remember hiding behind my mom’s legs when people would come to the house! I transitioned into that “fighter” role early. Holding up for my cousin on the bus…he was in Kindergarten, I was in 1st grade. Holding up for the kid everyone picked on.

I realize that’s part of me….of how I’m made. As I got older, I stepped in between a lot of fights, always jumping in to defend the person who couldn’t always defend themselves. My mom will tell you that I was always fighting for the “underdog” and that was absolutely true. My biggest pet peeve – ever….people treating other people badly. Want to see a whole different side of me…put me in the position where I feel I need to defend someone.

So, what happens after I think I’m starting to understand this life a little better…I find myself right in the middle of a situation where I’m going to have to deal with someone who’s really not very nice to people. This person gave off the vibe that they were better than everybody else and unfortunately, they liked to say not very nice things about people behind their back and sometimes even to their face. I found myself in a very uncomfortable position and I saw myself become very negative toward this person. At that time I saw only two choices: I could grit my teeth and bear it or let my feelings be known. I blew off some severe steam over this situation to the wrong people. This was a lose situation either way. Ignoring it went against who I was and dealing with it would have severe consequences. I tried dealing with it in a mature Christian sort of way…fail. I then chose to remove myself from the situation…fail. Like I said, a definite lose situation. I can’t say that my husband lost his job entirely because of me….but I think my situation was another “nail in his coffin”.

You can only imagine how the last 11 months have fanned the flames for me. I feel very strongly the need to defend…my husband and my children and my mother…all people I love, all people that are hurting. I find myself in a weird place – I’ve entered into a life long commitment of following what God has in store for me and I don’t think it involves punching people in the face. So, I’ve continued to be at war with myself….fight and defend – OR – attempt to follow Christ’s ultimate command by loving the very people who have caused so much pain. Christians who maim and destroy, who don’t hold to God’s commandment to love one another……do I want to become like them? Absolutely not! But how do I stop being a fighter and become a lover? That big part of me that is so very human and fails almost every day….that person is the hardest person to fight sometimes. That’s when I think I feel the weight of Christ’s sacrifice the most. I know on any given day I’m not going to measure up or deserve what He did. I know that’s why grace means so much and it’s something I hold onto….to get through the rough days…like today.

It will never be “comfortable” or “okay” to share space with people who have hurt you. It makes going anywhere a challenge….for Michael, for me, for Kayla, for Seth, for Emilee. It’s not a comfortable feeling to be absolutely ignored by people that a year ago you were living life with. Seth made the comment today – it’s like we killed somebody, which we didn’t, in case you were uncertain on that one! It’s been a big lesson to my kids, to never conduct themselves in that manner…ever. It has also taught my kids that even if you’re not participating in treating someone that way, you shouldn’t affiliate yourself with people that do those things. It’s more important to hold onto your integrity than it is to go along with the crowd just so you fit in.

There are a lot of people out there that profess to love God and everything He stands for with their mouths but they never make that cross over to showing it with their actions. Because I am a fighter I know I could very easily fall into that category of people…so every day I know my ultimate fight is going to be with myself. I’m going to try and paraphrase a great philosopher – “it’s not about how hard you hit but how hard you get hit and keep going”. I know I need to take the gloves off.

Does it get easier? I don’t know, I sure hope so. It’s not something you get over and move on from in a week or a month or a year. I’m also not so conceited to think that this family is the only ones who have endured something like this. Anne Jackson talks a lot about the walking wounded in her writings, it’s been a good place for me to go. It gives me hope for a time when I’m not afraid to be amazing! A time when I become a lover instead of a fighter! I’m not there yet….but I have hope and a huge amount of faith!