Pretty harsh? I’ve struggled excessively to come to a decision about this blog. Write it or don’t but make a decision for goodness sake!! I’m not normally an indecisive person but recently I’ve struggled with making the correct decision. I made it private for awhile in hopes that the blog would just disappear, but then people started asking me about it and then I realized I missed the community it brought. Then recently someone made some comments about some of my more recent posts, it didn’t really make me happy and it didn’t make the decision any easier. But it did lead me to go back and really read over some posts. I didn’t feel like anything I had written was inappropriate, they were the feelings I was struggling with in that moment and I was very open and honest about that struggle. And, yes, some posts could be seen as accusing…I’d be happy to discuss any of those posts with anybody….face to face.

I’m a pretty transparent person, what you see is what you get. I’d really like to tell you that I always do the right thing and I make sure everything that comes out of my mouth is used to lift someone up. Unfortunately if I told you that…I’d be lying. There are a couple of thing I am sure of….I love God with all my heart and I desire to do all I can to honor Him with my life. Recently that hasn’t happened as I’ve let things like hurt feelings, anger, and a strong sense of needing to do the “right thing, my way” get in the way. I would love to tell you that over the last year I have grown closer to God, but that would also be not true. I would have to say that I have questioned God’s plan frequently, whined a lot, and been pretty angry at times. But in the middle of all that….He still comes first. God and I, we still talk….and recently I’ve been talking to Him a lot more as I try to learn from this experience and learn more about who I am. I’ve realized He sticks to what He says, things like I’ll never leave you, and He has a plan, and He’ll give my weary soul rest. In that I’ve found comfort.

I have been a problem child that is certain!!

I’ve realized over the last few days that I was at the end…emotionally, physically and definitely spiritually. Some days I’d get up and I’d think today’s an “okay” day and other days I’d get up and it would be a bad day. My bad days have been escalating recently, it became harder to put on the “smile”. I knew something had to give. There had to be a breaking point or maybe a “tipping” point. I don’t exactly know what that is going to be but I still believe God is working on something for this family. He’s very aware of the winter this family has experienced…the “mutual resignation” that wasn’t really a mutual resignation. I’ve been more open to talk about that situation as I’ve realized silence about some things can be very harmful. Talking about it really has helped the bad days and I think once you tell that story, as shocking as it was at the time, eventually it gets easier to talk about. I don’t think trying to understanding why it happened or the way it happened gets any easier.

I noticed when I stopped writing my thoughts that I struggled more, so for me…blogging is an outlet I need in my life. This blog has been for my thoughts and struggles and to talk about what is impacting my life. Some people find community here and I am very grateful for that. When trying to make my decision Michael was very quick to remind me of all the people that have shown up here and been faithful to giving me feedback and sometimes a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes in life we are more willing to hear those couple of voices that say “you don’t matter”, instead of listening to the people living life with us that love us and invest in our lives.

I’ve decided that being true to who I am is probably the most important thing I will do this year. I’m not going to hide or be silent or act like my life is over. I will be honest and say that it’s been a hard year and a trying time for everyone in this house. I’ve had some bad reactions to this situation but I don’t think that’s been completely out of line considering the circumstances. It’s definitely been a learning experience and it’s taken a while to get my feet back under me….but with time it’ll come.

I think I feel spring coming not only across the Parkland but maybe my heart is finally feeling the warmth of spring as well! So, I’m praying for spring to come soon and I’m going to be cautiously optimistic about what’s coming next. I don’t want to be on the sidelines forever! God has great plans and although He can certainly do all He needs to without my help, He knows how much it comforts my soul and I am humbled that He continues to want that relationship with me and that He loves me and that He does have a plan for my life!!