Mel's Quiet Thoughts »

Life.

January 21, 2012 – 3:48 pm

Grace, Life

Do you ever find yourself grieving over life sometimes? Not grieving a loss or a failure..but a grieving of this life. I find myself there occasionally!

I am reminded of a friend that prays for patience when it comes to this life. It’s hard to not long for eternity..and when she spoke those words they made perfect sense to me. This friend sees a lot of life’s darkest moments. We all know that we live in a broken world, a place of darkness and greed. Turn on the news. It is apparent in the lives of the “least of these”. Remember them? The ones that Jesus charged us with taking care of and looking out for. Have we failed Him miserably? Have we failed them? In my recent travels I’ve talked to people who believe that when we love one another we don’t fail, they believe and see hope and a future. They see it more clearly than I am able to some days.

Sometimes, I have to close my eyes. Sometimes, I cry from all the images and stories. Stories of cultures that slaughter little girls…for no other reason than they were born the wrong gender. Stories of children dying of malnutrition, dying from dehydration, from cholera, malaria, aids, typhoid. Stories of the millions of children that are stolen and sold into the sex slave trade. Stories of women who are used up and thrown away or used as property or their voices silenced.

It seems like the most heinous crimes of this world are perpetrated against children and women. Do you see them?

Who are their advocates, their protectors?

Who should it be?

Should it be Christ’s church?

Should it be those that call themselves Christians?

Should it be me…..? ….or you? …..or us?

Mother Teresa gives a very real glimpse through her eyes what this life can be…and I am learning…..

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”

…and only with Christ’s sacrifice, great love, and never ending grace does any of it make sense.

kindness.

January 15, 2012 – 8:42 pm

Opinions

Kindness is the act or the state of being kind, being marked by good and charitable behavior, pleasant disposition, and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognized as a value in many cultures and religions.

The world’s definition of kindness. It seems generic to me, an afterthought. It doesn’t seem like it’s very important by that definition. A great idea but a waning concept? How often do we practice kindness in our culture, in our religion, in our every day life? How important is it? Sometimes it’s hard to see in our culture of “me first” and “our right to have an opinion on anything and everyone”.

I’ve thought a lot about kindness today and how often I have failed at being kind to others. I am often opinionated and judgmental. And all that under the guise of being “right”! I’m finding that being right isn’t nearly as important anymore as being kind and loving. My prayers of late have been part confession and part pleading. I no longer want to see kindness as an afterthought. Or something that’s okay when it’s easy but not okay in difficult circumstances….with difficult people….in the midst of difficult days. God has brought me a long way from that selfish person. Not that I don’t have my moments. My prayers for those “moments” have been for God to take from me any words to say! You might be surprised how often I find myself with no words to say! I continue to be a work in progress.

I think the world’s definition of kindness is lacking. I think kindness has become an emotion that is meant to make us feel good. Paying it forward~ somehow we get something out of it. I think God’s definition of kindness is more selfless. Romans 2:4 states that God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance. And the ultimate in kindness… But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

I’m reminded in Galatians 5 that kindness keeps good company. ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. I think there comes a day for each one of us that we realize without a doubt that we can’t continue with the same old destructive habits. When excuses no longer work and our bad behavior should no longer be tolerated. If we truly believe that the Holy Spirit dwells in our heart…..then…..we can’t profess kindness with our words and not have it pour out of our heart through our actions.

There is brokenness in thinking that professing Christianity is enough. If we don’t practice love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control then our lives are not a true reflection of God’s love and grace. We lose our witness and the world sees us as confusing.

I’ve come to a place in my life where all those things are more important than me being right….and I know that didn’t come from my own power. If you know me at all then you know that, too!

And I hope that reflects God’s love and grace!

So it begins….

January 1, 2012 – 4:44 pm

Journey

2012! That sends a little shiver of anticipation or maybe even a little anxiety over me when I wonder where we will find ourselves in this new year! So much has happened in the last year. One high school graduation, one college graduation, two trips to Haiti, different job responsibilities, and a whole lot of learning!

Kayla officially became a “grown-up”, graduated college, living on her own, teaching school, working a second job, and buying a car…oh, and hanging out with Joel.

Seth graduated from Fredericktown, started college at MAC as a music major, and continues to work through a lot of what it means to be responsible for himself! We can all relate to that, right?

Miss Em left elementary school and started intermediate school and spent most of the first semester trying to settle into that change. It hasn’t been as easy for her as it was the older siblings. Being our shy one she’s struggled a little bit with getting her feet under her! She’ll figure it out and be stronger for it.

Michael has been busy as ever but I often wonder how he would be any other way! I noticed this past year a focus to that busyness. More purpose toward God’s plan and not ours. Which I have loved seeing and look forward to the NEXT thing!

There was Haiti…and it changed us all. It made us different, it shifted our world focus. It brought us some painful moments and some moments of absolute joy! It has become part of us. I look forward to sharing Haiti with you this coming year!

Many people have passed in and out of all our lives. Some we knew for just a moment, some we will forever be connected with, and some we will not see again this side of heaven.

This year we moved from a Farmington cell family (through our church~The Bridge Community Church) to a new Fredericktown group that started. We attend this small group weekly with some people that have become very dear to us and we decided as a group that we would start a study on the book of James in December and conclude it at the end of January. It happens to be Beth Moore’s new study of James…..Mercy Triumphs. The guys in our group have been awesome and have even got used to being called “sister” numerous times in an evening. All fun aside….it is changing us all and encouraging us and teaching us. God’s word is mighty, it is a promise, a lesson, it is infallible, it NEVER comes back void, it is everything.

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 (ESV)

Let that soak in for just a moment! What an amazingly beautiful promise. That verse has been read in my Bible more times than I can count. It provides me so much comfort. But it’s not an easy verse by any means. Be joyful when you have trials? Doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense until you experience that verse and you find joy in the midst of pain. It is only something that God can make right in us. It reminds me that God is so. very. faithful. Beth Moore says “you can live with pain a whole lot better than you can live with purposelessness“. I very much agree. The hardest times for me are when I lose my focus, when I forget who’s business I am about, when I have no purpose. She goes on to say often our passion comes out of pain. We find that thing that we are meant for, we find ourselves sharing our story with those that need to hear it! I am reminded of the promise of heaven, the sacrifice of Jesus, and that my time here is very limited. Painful circumstances have taught me to not wait, to go out and LIVE my life now. Not when my kids are on their own, not when I’ve retired, not someday! NOW!

My prayer is that I will love people better this year, that I will seek God first in every decision of my life, that I will serve better. That I will try and possibly fail but I will try. That I will give more and take less. That God will be glorified in every moment of my life!

My prayer for you…is the same! May God’s blessings and purpose and love pour into your life with this new beginning…this new year…..

Tennis Shoes.

November 27, 2011 – 7:35 pm

Freedom, Haiti

“We prayed for some of the boys who don’t have any shoes to have tennis shoes so they could go to school.” That was the response to my question that day at the orphanage. “We brought some tennis shoes, could we give them to the kids?” I am humbled by that experience. In fact there are moments when I think of that conversation and the tears come and I fall to my knees. I believe that God can do anything. I believe that when we call out to Him in our prayers that He hears us even in the simplest of things.

For those that need him.

But me….I would never think to ask God for tennis shoes. If I need shoes then I go to the store and buy them. See, I live in a strong tower of my own making where asking God for anything only comes when I’ve exhausted all of my own resources. My tower has also protected me from all the messiness of this world. It keeps the people who need a lot of things on the outside of my strong walls. It makes it easy to go about life every day and not think about “the least of these”.

I am broken and confused.

Everything I thought I knew and believed in feels uncomfortable.

God has been tearing down my tower.

I am thankful.

I want to pray for tennis shoes.

I want to pray for little boys who need tennis shoes to go to school.

I want to pray for those little boys to grow up~educated and strong and loving Jesus.

Those prayers as simple as they seem in my western culture…they are mighty prayers that can change lives…that someday will change countries…..through the lives of children who honestly believe all things are possible through Christ.

Through the lives of children not only in Haiti but through the lives of children here in the United States as well. You see~all the shoes we delivered that day in Haiti came from children here in St. Louis at the school our oldest daughter teaches at. They believe that being obedient to God makes a difference. They believe that doing something will help someone. They are correct….I am honored to know them all.

Father~Continue to grow my faith to believe in mighty things! Continue to pour out your love on Haiti…there is hope there! Thank you for tearing down my tower. Wherever you lead, Father, I will follow!

A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places.

November 13, 2011 – 8:11 pm

Journey, Relationships

9 Then when you pray, God will answer. You’ll call out for help and I’ll say, ‘Here I am.’ A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places “If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people’s sins,10 If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.11 I will always show you where to go. I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places-firm muscles, strong bones. You’ll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry.12 You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again. Isaiah 58:9-12

I don’t know what it’s like to get up every day and not have the things I need. I don’t know what it is to be hungry, or homeless, or ignored. I don’t know what it’s like to be a mother raising three girls who’s just lost her husband, in a place where life is very hard. I don’t know what it’s like to be sick and not have healthcare. I don’t know what it is to be uncomfortable. I don’t know what it is to make desperate choices so that my children might live another day. My life is easy. I have been really good at insulating myself from those kind of things. Then Haiti happened to our family and then we met Tia our Compassion child and God took off the blinders I had been wearing. Then, not done with opening my eyes, God sent me to a place that made me uncomfortable and there He gave me joy that I can’t describe. And I don’t ever want to go back to not knowing those things.

Last week I sat across from a mother of three beautiful girls whose husband had just died. She was at the medical clinic I worked and she made sure that each of her three girls were seen and received medicine for what was wrong with them. I noticed the spot on her leg right away. It was infected and it looked like it hurt and I knew it could get a lot worse than it already was. But she never asked for anything for herself, just for the girls, and then she was just going to walk away. It’s funny how God works things out. She was the last person I saw that day. So, we just spent time and didn’t hurry. Unfortunately, communication was difficult, my Kreyol is still very bad. I was grateful for the translator that was with me that day, he was very kind and patient. We took care of the important business of opening the area and cleaning it well and then showing her how to change the dressing everyday. We made sure that she had an antibiotic and something for the pain. She talked very little but did share that her husband had just died and I know that means things will be more difficult for her family. I saw sadness in her spirit that day. Then we finished with God’s most important business~we prayed together. I felt grateful that I met her. I felt grateful for my education and what I knew about healthcare. I felt grateful for the opportunities in my life that I can no longer take for granted. But mostly, I felt grateful that God put us together on that mountainside under the beautiful sunshine that day. I hope I see her again and I pray she is doing well. We saw over 500 people in our medical clinics that week and she was my final person not just that day but for the week. No coincidence.

Please God continue to use my life for your purposes. I know you don’t need me but I’m thankful that you want me. I pray for a full life in the emptiest of places, a life that glows in the darkness. May I never go back only forward. Thank you for Jesus. ~Amen

October…

October 1, 2011 – 1:31 pm

Freedom, Journey

October 1st already! I read a post this afternoon by a dear friend of mine about her love of October…it reminded me how much I really enjoy fall. Crisp days, cool nights, beautiful scenery and that feeling of slowing down for just a moment. A time to take a breath and look around. What a beautiful feeling fall can evoke! Something about fall makes me ready for change.

I’ve learned to embrace change over my lifetime of bumpy roads and dark nights. Looking back over those years the most amazing times of my life have come through change. Sometimes those “changes” have been bitter and painful. Not always the “blessings” this world tells us we so deserve. There’s this beautiful song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately and it speaks words to my heart that are beautiful and so very true.

Life is always challenging and often painful, but those moments remind me of God’s faithfulness.

He is a good God, a loving God, a just God. He is always the same, he never wavers. There will be moments that we need reminded that God doesn’t ever leave us, that he loves us so much. There will be times that the “aching of this life will reveal a greater thirst….. than this world can satisfy”. Those moments remind us that our treasure is not here on this earth.

But sometimes, we listen to the lies of this world. That we need a life of comfort and security to be truly happy…that it’s okay to blame others and even God when things don’t go the way we think they should. We buy into debates of why bad things happen to good people and why God “lets” things happen to us. Never intending ourselves to face the bad choices we’ve made or the bad behavior we exhibit! My prayer recently has been that I know that the “blessings” of this world are not meant for me….that I look to God for the blessings that he has for me and the knowledge that those difficult times are bringing a change in me I desire…a change that always brings me closer to God! Haiti reminded me that I have much to do before I leave this life and still so much to learn! No time for complacency or ideas for my own comfortable life. In just a few weeks Michael and I will be back in Haiti and I look forward to that very much but I’ve realized that wherever God sends me I will go and whatever he asks of me I will do….. whether that’s in Haiti or here or to the ends of the earth!

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Blessings by Laura Story

A Wild Ride!

August 21, 2011 – 9:45 pm

Haiti

This is my “back to school” report of my summer activities. (As I see them!) My roller coaster ride to Haiti!

On June 29th my family and I (minus the oldest Goldsmith child) hopped on a plane in St. Louis and headed to Cap Haitian, Haiti which is on the north side of the island of Haiti, about an hour from the Dominican border. We would be staying in the country exactly 4 weeks. Meeting people and being obedient to the calling God had put on our hearts.

You can google O-cap and find some pictures and youTube videos and written accounts from people who have been there. (O-cap is what the locals call Cap Haitian.) That’s what I did for a week before we left, I “googled” it…and the closer we got to leaving the more I was digging in my heels. See God really knows what He’s doing, He didn’t give us (well, me) a lot of time between everything coming together and boarding the plane to leave. I didn’t get the time I needed to present my case! I was being obedient, I was willing to go…I just needed God to understand there might be some things going on there He wasn’t really aware of. We were taking our children after all! It’s really hard to appear obedient when you’re trying to find excuses to get out of what God has planned. I was trying to dig in my heels but God didn’t give me the time I needed to make that happen!

The trip there kind of felt like this:

It was kind of like that terrifying roller coaster ride for us “ride chickens”. (If you are one then you already know what I’m talking about.) Someone talks you into riding, you don’t want to appear “terrified”, so you go ahead and get in line. The entire time you’re in line you’re mind is in hyperdrive looking for a way out. You know the excuses, “I just ate”, “I’m wearing flip-flops”, “it’s an odd number of people and so and so would have to ride alone”, _____________(insert your own excuse in the blank provided!). Not a problem, you are happy to bow out! Oh, but no…your friends continue to encourage you. The next thing you know you’re seated, the lap bars down, and the coasters pulling out of the station headed up the first big hill.

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK!

That was exactly the way I felt getting off the plane in Haiti!

CLICK! WHOOOOOSH!

Being in Haiti for a month certainly took my breath away, and changed my heart, and helped me understand a little bit more about what having faith is all about. It drew every emotion out of my body…good and bad. It is a beautiful country with beautiful people who deal with more adversity and pain~ in a single day than some of us will deal with in our entire lives! It is an ancient country with a long history of voodoo and poverty and oppression. BUT there is a supernatural movement of God happening in that country. There’s a light shining there. I felt that everywhere I went. I saw it in the faces of people I met there and talked with. There is hope rising in Haiti. Don’t believe everything you read in a travel advisory!

For me, there is so much to think about and lots of things to process through. I can tell you I left something there, a part of me…..and that’s been hard to wrestle with and understand completely. Our family still has a lot to learn and certainly being there a month wasn’t even close to long enough! We’ll have lots to share over the next few months! Stories and journal entries and photos….and some thoughts on what’s coming next.

I’m glad that I never had time or opportunity to dig in my heels! I’m not saying that the next time it might not feel like a crazy roller coaster ride all over again because it probably will. I’m just considering the idea that it is possible for me to enjoy the ride! Minus the fear and adding in some joyful abandon! That would be….very nice! Isn’t it funny how it’s sometimes the anticipation of the ride that’s really worse than the ride! I wouldn’t trade that month and those experiences for anything. Well, it still feels a little strange to say that…but it’s the truth.

If you see me out and about I’d love to share some stories with you about our trip! And be sure to ask me about one of my favorite “Jesus” moments I shared with a guard at the Cholera Camp I toured. (It’s a much better story in person!)

Grace and peace……

It’s Spring!

April 17, 2011 – 3:07 pm

Freedom

The “blogger” experts, whoever they are, say that when you’re going to take a break from blogging….that you should just go. Don’t announce it and don’t even schedule it. Just take a break when you’re feeling it.

I’ve needed that break for probably a lot longer than I would admit. A lot of life has happened in the last 5 years! So, in January I wrote a post that was very telling about where I felt God was convicting me and then I just took a break to think about it all. March was my 4 year anniversary of blogging and I did feel a little compelled that I should blog something to celebrate it but there were no words….and it didn’t seem very important. What I’ve needed for the longest time is to just be quiet and listen. I needed to really hear from God and to rest and to stop trying to process every little detail and figure out what it all means! The last 3 months away from blogging have been huge in moving forward. Getting rid of some stuff, putting it in the past where it belongs, and living in the moments we get in this life. Don’t get me wrong, blogging doesn’t wear me out…necessarily. I just needed the opportunity to heal….my spirit, my body, my emotions. And I was at a point where I was truly out of things to say.

Wow! It’s spring and the time has flown by since January. I really love this time of renewal. The earth renews itself, which is glorious to watch, and I get that same feeling inside when spring comes. My spirit feels renewed…refreshed…clean. Sometimes the winter seasons of our lives are long (but I think pretty important, also). Isn’t God amazing?…He always knows exactly what we need. Coming out of a winter season into spring feels like pure joy and freedom. I learned a lot from my winter season and wouldn’t trade one tear or one hurt…..because it’s made me realize what is important. It’s not my stuff or my status. It’s something more…

So much has happened in the last 3 months! I wouldn’t even know where to begin. But I can tell you this very definitely…God is so good, awesome, amazing, loving….glorious! I have seen beautiful things! I’m experiencing growing pains with some beautiful people. I am truly humbled that He is breaking my heart for the very things that break His. I still struggle sometimes with some junk. A lot of times it’s pride that trips me up and I pray constantly that God will keep me humble. I realize I can’t do it without Him being in control. I’ve tried a lot to be my own god. To save myself, to save face, to come out the winner. But – I am truly broken, truly sinful, and my heart is definitely wicked and very deceitful! It loves leading me in the wrong direction.

I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen from right now to the end of this life and that’s okay. I don’t feel worried…sometimes I may be a little fearful but I just plan on leaning on my Father and to keep moving forward. My prayer is that with everything I do I glorify God. That’s it really.

Enough for now! I look forward to doing a little writing every once in a while and I hope to have some very good conversations with you! Feel free to add anything you like, I’d love to share some ”quiet thoughts”.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10

The Narrow Door

January 25, 2011 – 10:32 pm

Grace

A lot of people judge the credibility of Christianity by the way Christians act, by the things they say.

They….people who say they love Jesus.

Christian people.

Me.

We are:

People who will talk love and acceptance but are more comfortable with judgment and self righteousness. Speak of humility but walk with prideful hearts. People who speak of promised blessings and all things good but then shrug our shoulders when life delivers pain and suffering. We will talk about building relationships, being authentic and vulnerable but show only masks, smoke and mirrors…..religion.

The American church continues to give mixed signals to people looking for Jesus. They will promise things they cannot deliver. Your best life now! Sure, I guess. It sounds good. But what happens……When people don’t succeed, when they don’t receive blessings, when there’s no “big plan” for their one and only life…then what? Will they think they’ve failed? Will they think they’re being punished? Will they walk away? Or worse yet…will they show up every Sunday and sit in the crowd but never experience true salvation. How will they learn about true salvation and Christ’s sacrifice? How will they know about the narrow door that Jesus’ talks about in Luke 13:22-35?

That was me, I was that person trying to figure out salvation and suffering and this life and how it all fit together. I came from a church background where I believed things people said, because they were people who “knew things”. I didn’t read my bible so you could have told me anything and I probably would have believed it. I believed that God wanted the best for me and I believed God needed me to show up and perform a task “for him” every Sunday. I believed in heaven and I believed in hell for “bad people”. I believed in spiritual gifts but never realized I didn’t have any. I lived in pride, selfishness, and a dark place of anxiety…….but I loved Jesus! I was constantly trying to find my “purpose” and live the “big dream” God had for my life. But I couldn’t ever figure out what that was and it seemed like He wanted to keep it that way. I wanted relationships and refused to trust anyone. I was broken and stubborn but I would have told you I was “saved”. That my salvation was all tied up. That I was going to heaven. But then I wasn’t sure anymore and anxiety started to eat me up on the inside. I felt something was wrong but it was just a vague, uneasy sort of feeling. There was something…more. So I decided taking medication to numb my emotions and stop the anxiety would fix everything and my doctor agreed.

Then life turned completely upside down. The big hole in my heart wasn’t filled up with any of that stuff or ideas or medicine. I was empty but couldn’t figure out why. I began to go through all the darkness inside of me. I had to really let Jesus in and I had to learn who Jesus was and what redemption and salvation meant, because I didn’t have a clue. I guess I’m still going through that process. Reading my bible has changed me. Gospel centered teaching has helped me along the way.

The last couple of weeks have been full of emotions. I’m coming to grips with the fact that God doesn’t need me at all. I’m learning the difference between obedience and my selfish desires. I’ve come to realize my heart is wicked and deceitful and the only hope I have is for the Holy Spirit to dwell inside me or I will always struggle and make bad decisions. Dying to self and picking up my cross are things that I seem to do daily right now. Then there’s that narrow door that Jesus speaks about in Luke. Mark Driscoll spoke on the narrow door this past Sunday and I had the opportunity tonight to hear that message and it messed me up. It messed me up because I know that was me and it scared me to think that 3 years ago I didn’t know it was me.

22 He went on his way through towns and villages, teaching and journeying
toward Jerusalem. 23 And someone said to him, “Lord, will those who are
saved be few?” And he said to them, 24 “Strive to enter through the narrow
door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. 25 When
once the master of the house has risen and shut the door, and you begin to
stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us,’ then he
will answer you, ‘I do not know where you come from.’ 26 Then you will begin
to say, ‘We ate and drank in your presence, and you taught in our streets.’
27 But he will say, ‘I tell you, I do not know where you come from. Depart
from me, all you workers of evil!’ 28 In that place there will be weeping and
gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and all the
prophets in the kingdom of God but you yourselves cast out. 29 And people
will come from east and west, and from north and south, and recline at
table in the kingdom of God. 30 And behold, some are last who will be first,
and some are first who will be last.”

Three years ago I would have told you I had it all together, I knew what I needed to be doing. Today I’m telling you I didn’t have a clue.

Today…..I’m running through the narrow door, no hesitation, no doubt, no more searching. Whatever He asks, wherever He sends me…..I’ll go, I give it all up, lay it all down for His glory, not my own.

It’s not done, there’s more to be said I’m sure. For tonight….it’s all I have. There are no more words. There are some emotions to go through and then hopefully, sleep.

Words to say.

January 20, 2011 – 6:00 am

Community, Journey

I have something to say but no words to say it. It is a secret. Words escape me tonight. A part of me doesn’t know how to say it out loud; maybe I don’t really want to say it out loud. It will change things; it will leave me forever changed. But I was changed a long time ago. I’m not afraid to tell you I love Jesus with all of my heart. If you’ve read anything I’ve ever written you already know that.

That’s not my secret, but this is:

I will follow Jesus wherever He asks me to go.

Michael and I feel the same on this, of that I’m sure. There have been plenty of conversations over the last ten years as we’ve shared this journey. Ten years of learning what faith is and how it will see you through the darkest times. Ten years of finding out the best and worst parts of loving people. Ten years of figuring out that God desires our complete obedience in all things. I wouldn’t trade a moment of the last ten years. I wouldn’t be who I am right now; I wouldn’t even know what it means to truly glorify God if it weren’t for all those things. Hard lessons taught me how to look to God first in all I do and taught me life is about so much more than I thought.

The story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19 keeps coming to my mind tonight. Every time I read this passage I think about Jesus saying to the young ruler, “If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” It’s the word “complete” that jumps out at me. A lot of people will pass right over that scripture without another thought. That scripture holds me captive. I believe what it says. I’m tired of living the “American Dream”. It’s an empty promise. We deserve that “blessing”, right? Just a lie that we placate ourselves with.

Six months ago our ideas about people and life and relationships really changed. They changed the day Michael stepped off a plane in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. He would never be the same. Our family would never be the same. God cut our hearts, opened our eyes to the fact that there is much to be done. It’s with those thoughts on our minds we’ll be returning to Haiti this summer.( Michael, Seth, Emilee and I will be spending the month of June in Haiti helping Growing Hope for Haiti.) I want my children to know more about the world. I want them to grow up loving people more than they love cell phones and iPods. I want them to be willing to give everything up to follow Jesus. I want them to realize loving Jesus and reading their Bible isn’t as complicated as we make it sometimes.

I think it’s pretty simple. God calls us to love and honor Him in all we do; He calls us to love one another and to help those in need. Not complicated!

Michael’s blog will have his thoughts on Haiti and what God’s speaking to his heart. You can read his thoughts here. He will also have details on how you can partner with us on this part of our journey, whether that is with your prayers or giving financially to help us get to Haiti. We’ll be updating as we get ready for our trip and I hope you’ll check back often. Thank you so much for being present in this moment with us.